Humour

[Nathalie Desjardins]

Jokes, parodies, lists - all with an HP theme, of course!

[Nathalie Desjardins]

Firecall Messages

The wizard version of answering machine greetings. This is what you get when you try to firecall a wizard, and they're not there:


Voldemort
Sorry, I can't take your firecall right now. World Domination is time consuming you know


Death Eater Headquarters
We're sorry, all our Death Eaters are currently busy.
Your screaming demise is important to us.
Please stay on the line; callers will be executed in strict order.


Dobby
you is reaching Dobby's firecall message. I is saving harry potter sir! very great man! is important! I be back and very sorry I is missing you. Winky take your call instead! Is sir wanting a cookie while sir waits?


Augustus Rookwood
Avada.. err.. Greetings! You have reached Augustus Rookwood.
I am currently on a mission which cannot be spoken about,
retrieving something I can't talk about,
for a ministry official I can't name.
Please leave your calling card with my house elf and I'll get back to you... aggh! it buuurns! ... as soon as possible.
Thank you


Harry Potter
You've reached the firecall message of Harry Potter.
For service in Parseltongue, press 1.
To retrieve obscure artefacts press 2.
For paranoid rantings about Hogwarts Potions master, press 3.


Remus Lupin
Thank you for Firecalling Remus Lupin.
I'm afraid I can't answer your call right now, as Full Moon is approaching and it's time I took my evening potion. Please leave a... arf-arf, snarl, growl, rrrrhhh, yip-yip-yip awooooooooooooooo!

[Luke Carter]

haha!

[Nathalie Desjardins]

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

Note: Except for a few at the end, I did NOT make these up myself - I collected them from various locations on the internet, and I apologise that I cannot remember where, in order to give credit.


1. "Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonomous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster, and I am not to suggest so to the House Elves when they have gumbo on the menu.
2. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
3. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.
4. “Liften Separatis Crotchum” is not a real spell.
5. “OMGWTF” is not a spell
6. 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.
7. A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.
8. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.
9. Asking, “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and then walking away is only funny the first time.
10. Bringing fortune cookies to Diviniation class does not count for extra credit.
11. Calling Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
12. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
13. Chocolate frogs do not come in "crunchy".
14. Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster” not “My liege”.
15. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
16. Fist years should not be encouraged to befriend the whomping willow.
17. Getting everyone into the great hall to do the time warp will not earn me house points.
18. Growing marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra-credit project for Herbology.”
19. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled “Firewhiskey”.
20. House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.
21. I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
22. I am no longer allowed to use the words “pimp cane” in front of Lucius Malfoy.
23. I am not a sloth Animagus.
24. I am not a tribble Animagus.
25. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the ministry are here.
26. I am not allowed to ask Professor Lupin if it's "that time of the month"
27. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
28. I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to “attack of the killer tomatoes.”
29. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug a Slytherin day.
30. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
31. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
32. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.
33. I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new Profs. are introduced.
34. I am not allowed to teach the first year to sing “a wizards staff has a knob at the end”.
35. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors.
36. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
37. I am not defense against the Boring classes Professor.
38. I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus; and even if I were, it would be cheating to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming.
39. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
40. I am not Xena warrior princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
41. I do not have a Dalek patronus.
42. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
43. I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.
44. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
45. I will not address Hagrid as "Groundskeeper Willie".
46. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me ‘the pointy hat trick’.
47. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.
48. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.
49. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.
50. I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class.
51. I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth".
52. I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.
53. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore even if it would be amusing.
54. I will not change the password to the prefect’s bathroom to, “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.
55. I will not charm Hermione’s time-turner to turn every half hour.
56. I will not claim my X-files tapes are “Auror training videos”.
57. I will not claim there is a prequel to “Hogwarts, a History”.
58. I will not detonate Squibs.
59. I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.
60. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley’s head.
61. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
62. I will not dress up in a dementor suit and use a dustbuster on Harry’s lips to make him do whatever I want.
63. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.
64. I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.
65. I will not go to class skyclad.
66. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
67. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout “I have the power.”
68. I will not impersonate a Swedish chef in potions class.
69. I will not lick Trevor.
70. I will not lock the Gryffindor and Slytherin houses in the same room and start taking bets on which house will come out alive.
71. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
72. I will not organize a Hogwarts fight club.
73. I will not owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected deatheaters.
74. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons.
75. I will not insist that Hufflepuffs’ house colors indicate they are, “covered in bees”.
76. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
77. I will not refer to Kingsley Shaklebolt as “big black sexy auror.”
78. I will not refer to the accio charm as “the force”.
79. I will not refer to the DADA professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
80. I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.
81. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.
82. I will not say, “Dude get a life” to Voldemort.
83. I will not scare the Arithmacy students with my calculus book.
84. I will not set up a blind date between Dumbledore and that Nimue chick.
85. I will not sing “we’re off to see the wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.
86. I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
87. I will not start food fights in the great hall.
88. I will not steal Godric Gryffindor’s sword form Dumbledore’s office and use it to patrol the hallways.
89. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
90. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
91. I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the whomping willow.
92. I will not tell Professor Trelawney I prophesied her death.
93. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
94. I will not tell sir Cadogen that the knights who say ‘Ni’ have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell “Ni” from various directions.
95. I will not tell the first years that professor Snape is the voice of God.
96. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the common room.
97. I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
98. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
99. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
100. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore.”
101. I will not wear my “DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT” shirt to school.
102. I will not yell “Believe it… or not” after any of Dumbledore’s speeches.
103. I will stop asking if Draco is related to Andy Warhol.
104. I will stop asking the Arithmacy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
105. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
106. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.
107. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as “cannon fodder”.
108. I will stop referring to showering as “giving Myrtle an eyeful”.
109. If a classmate falls asleep I will not take advantage of this fact and draw a dark mark on their arm.
110. If a classmate is playing with change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his knuts"
111. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
112. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more then fifteen seconds I am to assume I am not allowed to do that.
113. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously.
114. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.
115. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "Once you go Black, you never go back."
116. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons can not interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.
117. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of “Selsun Blue” into Professor Snape’s personal postbox.
118. It is not necessary to yell “BURN” every time Snape takes a point from Gryffindor.
119. No matter how badly she botches that potion, I shall not refer to Hermione as "Pussy Galore".
120. No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
121. No spitting in the Pensieve.
122. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
123. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.
124. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.
125. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch’s office is not appropriate.
126. Puzzleboxes are to be solved on my own time.
127. Ravenclaws do not find the sign “The library is closed for indefinite amount of time” amusing.
128. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
129. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me lucky charms”.
130. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
131. Sirius Black is not #24601.
132. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA professor is tasteless and tacky.
133. Sufficently advanced technology is NOT indistinguishable from magic.
134. That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead.
135. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
136. The giant squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule ball.
137. The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not the wizardly version of the Kama Sutra.
138. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."
139. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
140. There is no such thing as were-thylacine.
141. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean they are mine even if I yelled, “Pwned.”
142. Using engorgio charms on certain parts of the anatomy is not permitted on school grounds, even for entertainment purposes.
143. When asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling “It does DEATH” may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer.
144. When being interrogated by a member of the staff I will not wave my hand and state “These are not the droids you are looking for”.
145. When fighting deatheaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “there can be only ONE”.




AND my own humble offerings:

146. I am forbidden to give "Spay or neuter your pet" leaflets to Professor McGonagall, Professor Lupin, or Sirus Black. Giving one to Fenrir Greyback is not forbidden, just extremely foolish.
147. I am not allowed to have a Dementor patronus – it just confuses everyone.
148. I must not tell the First Years that wizards make a lot of noise when they have sex because they have crystal balls.
149. Under no circumstances may I ask Lucius Malfoy to prove that he is a natural blonde

[mereldaswordhawk]

Haha those are really funny!

[Nathalie Desjardins]

A modest offering of Deatheater-themed takes on familiar Christmas songs & carols

Some are entire verses, others just titles or snippets.



House elves roasting on an open fire
Voldie ripping off your nose
Yuletide spells, being cast at the fire
And folks dressed up like muggleborns
Everybody knows that port and wine and mistletoe
Make DeathEaters want to fiiight
Fairy lights, being cursed off their toes
For target practice late at night


I saw Voldie kissing Bellatrix
Underneath the dark mark last night


Voldie got run over by a thestral
Strolling through the graveyard last night


Voldemort is hunting you down


Screams of fear, Death Eaters cheer, It's Voldy time in the city...


On the Twelfth Day of World Domination, my Deatheaters gave to me:
- Twelve Hats A-Sorting
- 11 Dungeons Glooming
- 10 Potente Potions
- 9 Stinking Squibs
- 8 Filthy Mudbloods
- 7 Horcruxes Hiding
- 6 Dementors Sucking
- 5 Hogwarts Proffs
- 4 Houses Feuding
- 3 Meddling Kids
- 2 Werewolves Howling
And a Rat in a Whomping Willow Tree


Crucio night, Imperio night
Werewolves maul, vampires bite
Round up virgins, smother the child
Crying infants, hysterical crowds
Voldermort has arriiiiiived
Voldermort has arrived

[Simon Hedwig]

LMAO Love the "Things I'm Not allowed To Do At Hogwarts"